The zombie didn’t dare say anything.
Silence meant consent.
For the first time, Fu Qi was receiving the same treatment as the Fan Xu brothers. It was so rare—and so sudden—that after being beaten for so long, he suddenly found himself in the position of power and had no idea how to throw his weight around.
This must be what it felt like for a pauper to strike it rich.
The thought made Fu Qi feel sorry for himself. He immediately draped one leg across Qin Zhen’s lap and said, “Come on. Give your ‘officer’ a leg massage.”
The zombie looked up in shock.
“Hm?” Fu Qi put on an air of authority.
Daring neither to be angry nor to speak, the zombie lowered her head and began massaging his leg resentfully.
Fu Qi found it both amusing and exasperating. “If you’re so afraid of government officials, why aren’t you afraid of Xu Feng?”
Xu Feng’s combat squad belonged to the government. He had already told Qin Zhen that. She hadn’t been afraid of him at all—in fact, she had even coveted his communications watch. So why had she suddenly become so frightened when it came to Fu Qi?
The zombie said, “He’s just a minor grunt. He’s not… not officially one.”
It was like a thief running into a security guard. They might panic, but they wouldn’t be especially frightened. If they ran into an armed soldier, though, they would probably be so scared they couldn’t even walk.
“He’s no minor grunt,” Fu Qi said.
Xu Feng held a military rank. The special combat squads had been established after the zombie-virus outbreak, and some were government-run while others were privately organized. For convenience, everyone had gotten used to calling him Captain Xu without actually using his formal title.
So it turned out the zombie wasn’t unafraid—she simply hadn’t known.
Fu Qi was puzzled. “Just what era are you a zombie from? How can you be addicted to the internet, yet still call someone ‘officer’ like some ancient relic?”
Qin Zhen shook her head mournfully while continuing to massage his leg. “I don’t know.”
“When I asked you before, you fed me some nonsense about having left your tomb to receive a higher education, only to be captured by a Taoist priest and dragged back inside. Are you finally telling the truth now?”
Fu Qi dug up her old lies, even more baffled than before. “Are you really that afraid of government officials? I thought zombies were only afraid of Taoist priests.”
“In principle, we’re only afraid of Taoist priests,” Qin Zhen said.
In principle, zombies were only supposed to fear Taoist priests. But as a rational zombie who understood modern civilization, Qin Zhen knew that her existence was not something that could be exposed to the public. Even if she did nothing but appear in front of ordinary people, she would cause mass panic—and she would be breaking the law.
That was why she had been extremely cautious with her words and actions along the way. Aside from being rude to Fu Qi, she had never harmed a single human.
A few days earlier, when she learned that Fu Qi was secretly working for the government, she had even wondered whether she could benefit from being his teammate and land herself some sort of minor civil-service position. At least then she would have some protection.
If her identity were exposed someday and she failed to escape back to her tomb before being captured, that connection might help her negotiate a suspended sentence.
But now things had taken a turn for the worse. Fu Qi—the very man she punched on a daily basis—was an officer who could send her straight to prison.
After listening to her halting explanation, Fu Qi said, “You’ve got quite the devious little mind, scheming against your own captain.”
The zombie was ashamed.
Fu Qi felt that she really ought to reflect on using tricks against him. He let her stew for a while, then suddenly asked an unrelated question. “Am I a nice person?”
“Yes!” The zombie answered without hesitation, never stopping her trembling massage. “The nicest person in the world. The number one nicest person. You have the best personality.”
“You know what happens when you lie to a government official, right?”
The zombie’s face fell. In misery, she corrected herself. “…No.”
Fu Qi said, “If you know I have a bad personality, didn’t you think about how I might use this identity to bully you after finding out that you’re afraid of government officials?”
“I did,” Qin Zhen said.
Fu Qi loved teasing her. Once she revealed this weakness, he was bound to use it against her. In other words, if she hadn’t told him, Fu Qi wouldn’t have known she was afraid of government officials, and he wouldn’t have been able to use that against her.
“Then why did you tell me?”
The zombie hemmed and hawed. In a voice softer than a mosquito’s buzz, she said, “…If I admit my mistake voluntarily, I might get a reduced sentence. But knowingly committing the offense would… would make it worse…”
“…”
Fu Qi had never imagined that would be the reason. He hesitated for a long time before finally sighing. “Are you honest or dishonest?”
The zombie didn’t like being called honest. It made her sound foolish and provincial, with not a hint of sophistication. But she didn’t dare argue. She could only keep her head lowered and let the “officer” bully her in silence.
Fu Qi stared at the top of her bowed head for a while longer. Then he pressed down on the hand still massaging his leg. While the zombie looked at him in confusion, he said, “When you were human, you must have been the kind of girl who looked obedient and honest, but was secretly a little mischievous.”
As he spoke, he lowered the leg resting across Qin Zhen’s lap.
“But even at your worst, you probably only pretended to pay attention in class while secretly drawing caricatures of the teacher. Or bullied your friends, tormented…”
He pressed his lips together and skipped over the rest.
“…You probably spent your days watching TV and reading novels, learning all kinds of weird things. That spellcraft and ‘officer’ stuff? You must have picked it up that way.”
Qin Zhen wanted to argue, but she couldn’t find an opening.
Fu Qi continued, “Then, when your grades dropped at the end of the term and the teacher called you into the office, all it took was one question before you started sobbing and saying you’d been slacking off lately and hadn’t studied hard enough…”
The sort of girl people wanted to punish, but couldn’t bear to. The sort of girl who made them itch to swat her, yet unable to bring themselves to do it.
Qin Zhen pouted and muttered under her breath, “I’m not like that…”
“Then what are you like?”
The zombie thought for a moment and said, “I’m a princess.”
Fu Qi fell silent.
He had almost forgotten that she was still a chūnibyō zombie.
“Then your grades must have dropped because you were secretly writing novels in class. And your heroine was named Li Shang Meng Ying Xue Ye Ji, the Crystal Princess.”
Qin Zhen wanted to hit him. Her fists clenched, but she didn’t dare raise them.
Fu Qi noticed and leaned toward her. “Go ahead. Hit me.”
“…No, no!” The zombie hurriedly refused, stuffing her hands behind her back as if she had never even considered hitting him.
Fu Qi smiled and said nothing more. Instead, he lifted both of Qin Zhen’s legs onto his lap and began massaging them, just as she had massaged his legs when he was bullying her earlier.
The tingling sensation in her legs when his fingers pressed down startled Qin Zhen. She tried to pull away in alarm, but he caught her by the ankle and tugged her back.
Fu Qi tilted his head and looked at her. “I was going to bully you, but seeing how honest you are has made my conscience feel guilty.”
Qin Zhen blinked. “…What?”
“And besides, I told you before—I’m the captain of a private squad now, not a government official. Using that identity to bully people…” He paused. “Or zombies. Either way, it would tarnish the reputation of government officials. That’s against the law.”
Qin Zhen shot him a quick glance before lowering her head and whispering, “But you used to be one. You still have connections. Even a dying camel is bigger than a horse.”
“…You understand social connections and human etiquette?”
The zombie flushed with embarrassment and said modestly, “I know a thing or two.”
Fu Qi couldn’t hold back his laughter. As he chuckled, he continued massaging her legs—not too lightly, not too firmly—then said, “If you…”
The words stopped on his lips.
Fu Qi rarely found himself so hesitant.
He wanted to tell Qin Zhen, “It’d be nice if you were human,” but when he glanced at the zombies gathering outside the window again, he couldn’t help thinking: Thank goodness she’s a zombie.
“What am I?” Qin Zhen pressed when he saw him trail off.
Fu Qi raised his eyes and said, “If you’ve got nothing better to do, keep working on the mission. We ran into Ye Hui on the way here, so the Great Yu Base is probably on high alert for us. Stop thinking about nonsense.”
“Then you…” Qin Zhen ventured, “from now on, forever, you won’t report me to a military court?”
“I won’t.”
“You won’t hold it against me?”
“I’ll put up with you.” Zombies were slamming into the car outside, but Fu Qi was still massaging the zombie’s leg. “I won’t get angry with you, just like before. But you can’t treat other public servants the same way.”
Having received his promise, the zombie instantly perked up and said loudly, “I won’t! I never hit, h-hit them, so I’m not in the wrong. I’m not scared!”
Fu Qi was beginning to see her in a whole new light. “You seem wicked, but you’re actually very honest. You seem honest, but you’ve got plenty of tricks up your sleeve. How exactly did you grow up?”
The zombie giggled.
Fu Qi laughed too. Judging by the time, they should be getting back on the road. He was just about to lower Qin Zhen’s leg when she hooked an arm around his shoulder and leaned closer, looking as though she wanted to whisper something to him.
Fu Qi held his breath and listened carefully. In a slightly embarrassed voice, she said, “Sweetie, Captain, Qiqi… you have connections. Could you help, help me pull some strings and get me a legal i-identity?”
As she spoke, she slipped a hand into Fu Qi’s pocket and quietly put something inside.
Fu Qi reached in and pulled out three pieces of candy.
He stared at the candy in silence for a moment. After weighing his words, he decided to start with the simplest question.
“Where did you get these?”
The two of them hardly ever separated, and all their supplies were kept together. How had he not noticed her somehow acquiring two extra pieces of candy?
Qin Zhen answered, “Fan Xu gave them to me secretly when we left the Dawn Base. That’s all there were. There weren’t enough to share, so I didn’t give you any. Don’t be a-angry, okay?”
Fu Qi said, “That’s not what I’m angry about.”
If he was angry about anything, it was the fact that the zombie had been hoarding a secret stash of candy.
Fu Qi held back for the moment and asked his second question, candy still in hand. “So this is you… bribing me?”
The zombie waved her hands. “Oh, it’s just a little something. For the kid…”
“…”
Fu Qi drew a deep breath and said, “Qin Zhen, sweetheart, you’re done for. Starting today, you’re not watching a single movie or reading a single novel.”
Qin Zhen was horrified. She opened her mouth, trying to salvage the disaster, but with a click, Fu Qi unfastened her seat belt, hooked an arm around her waist, and hauled her into the back seat, stuffing her in like a backpack.
She had barely managed to sit upright when the car roared and shot forward in a violent fishtail. More than a dozen zombies surrounding them were sent flying.
Qin Zhen let out an “ow!” and nearly tumbled beneath the seat.
Clinging to the front seat, she struggled to lean forward and said, “But wh-wh—”
“Because I’m the captain.” Fu Qi kept his eyes on the road and slammed down on the accelerator, his voice cold and merciless. “Sweetheart, save your breath. Make the most of the last bit of happiness you and your precious babies have left.”
