So, it had all been a misunderstanding.
He had merely regarded him as a younger brother. His subordinates had misunderstood, and so had he...
Song Fengsui had thought that, at most, he would feel somewhat embarrassed by his own wishful thinking. Yet he had evidently far underestimated how deeply this matter would affect him.
It felt as though a hot, damp cloth had been pressed over his mouth and nose. He could neither exhale nor draw breath in.
And his heart felt as though someone had seized it fiercely, then kneaded and crushed it before tossing it aside like worn-out shoes.
If it had merely been a misunderstanding—if he had merely indulged in a moment of wishful thinking—why should it hurt this sharply, this truly?
Song Fengsui stared out at the dazzling daylight. Only now did he realize, miserably and with perfect clarity, that his feelings for Duan Yan had long since exceeded anything he might feel toward an ordinary man.
Those involved could not see clearly. His family had, in fact, recognized it before he himself had; only he had stubbornly insisted that it was not so...
Song Fengsui’s head began to ache. More than that, he had no idea how he was supposed to face Duan Yan again.
Some time later, Duan Yan emerged from Old Man Duan’s quarters. They had spent a long while discussing such matters as what land would be suitable for cultivating medicinal herbs and which varieties ought to be planted. He had appeared focused and earnest, but in truth, Old Man Duan’s earlier remarks had already thrown his mind into complete turmoil.
He walked to the door of Song Fengsui’s room and stood there for quite some time, yet could not bring himself to lift a hand and knock.
Just as he hesitated, a serving woman from the estate came by with a broom.
“What is the master doing here?”
As though jolted back to himself, Duan Yan gave a dry cough. “Nothing. I was just checking whether Young Doctor Song has woken from his afternoon nap.”
“Young Doctor Song has already gone home.”
The woman looked at Duan Yan in surprise. “Didn’t the master know?”
“He went home? How did he leave? When did this happen?”
Duan Yan was startled and immediately demanded to know.
The woman could not say for certain. She only said that he had likely left about the time it took for an incense stick to burn. She had been sweeping outside and had seen him say a few words to the gatekeeper before riding away on horseback.
Before the woman had finished chattering, Duan Yan had already gone to find the gatekeeper.
“Young Doctor Song said he suddenly remembered something at home. Since the master and the old master were discussing important business, he did not wish to disturb you, so he took his leave without saying goodbye. He rode the horse home and said he would lead it over to Liu Manor later.”
Duan Yan’s brow furrowed tightly. Naturally, he had no idea that Song Fengsui had overheard his conversation with Old Man Duan. He only knew that this was the first time Song Fengsui had ever left without bidding him farewell.
Perhaps something had happened to the Song family. Worried, too, that it might not be safe for him to return alone, Duan Yan hastily informed Father Duan, took another horse, and set off in pursuit.
“When it comes time to speak, he quacks and quacks like a duck, stubborn as can be. Yet the moment the person leaves, he chases after him more urgently than anyone.”
Old Man Duan stood with his hands clasped behind his back. Watching Duan Yan race down the village road under the blazing sun without even a straw hat, kicking up a cloud of dust behind him, he shook his head.
Later that afternoon, after taking a brief nap, Song Wushen and Song Xuemu gathered up their hoes and sickles and prepared to head out to the fields.
Ever since the village head had come to mark out their land, no further work had been assigned to their household. With the Song family enjoying a little more free time, they intended to prepare the fields early so they could plant melons and vegetables in season.
But before they had even left, they saw a figure approaching their home along the little path.
Seeing the sweat covering the young man’s face and brow, and his cheeks reddened by the sun, Song Wushen hurried forward and took the medicine chest from his shoulder.
“Why have you come back at this hour? And where is Duan Yan?”
“He had important matters to discuss, so I came back first.”
Putting on a show of being perfectly fine, Song Fengsui said, “It’s unbearably hot. I’m going inside to wash my face and rest for a while.”
Song Wushen watched him go straight inside and could not help exchanging a glance with Song Xuemu.
They both saw that something was amiss. Whenever Song Fengsui had been picked up from home, he had always been properly escorted back. Even when he went out alone, he generally returned with company. Yet today, they had left together, while only one had come back. It was certainly strange.
Though Song Wushen could plainly see that something was wrong, he did not press him at once. He let Song Fengsui rest first. If he felt better, he would tell them himself without being asked.
“Then I’ll put your medicine chest in your room. Cool yourself down properly—your face is all red from the sun.”
“Mm.”
Song Wushen and Song Xuemu glanced twice at the tightly shut door. Then, with no other choice, they shouldered their hoes and headed for the fields.
They had worked there for less than half an hour when Duan Yan came galloping over on horseback.
Before he had even reached them, he urgently asked whether Song Fengsui had returned home.
“He’s been back for a while.”
Leaning on his hoe, Song Xuemu answered him.
“What happened between you two today? Why did you come back one after the other?”
Duan Yan explained what had happened at the estate. Song Wushen and Song Xuemu listened in silence.
At last, Song Wushen said, “Come home and have some tea.”
Duan Yan nodded, then headed toward the Song residence.
The two watched him go over, tie his horse in the yard, and enter the main room. Not long afterward, he came back out, led his horse away, and returned to the edge of the fields.
“Why didn’t you stay a little longer? Didn’t Fengsui make you any tea?”
Duan Yan glanced at Second Uncle Song and pressed his lips together. “Auntie said his face was sunburned. He was applying medicine and resting in his room. He cares greatly about his appearance, so he probably does not wish to see anyone for the time being.”
Song Xuemu raised his brows slightly. Seeing that Duan Yan did not look well, he said, “His face was rather red when he came back. It is easy to get sunburned in weather like this. Don’t be fooled by how naturally lovely he is—he actually cares a great deal about his looks.”
Guilt filled Duan Yan’s heart. “I should have taken him home first before discussing business.”
“Oh, everyone has important things to do. He is not a child; he does not need someone to escort him everywhere. He may have grown accustomed to always having someone accompany him when he came and went, but now that he is here, he should learn to get used to going about on his own.”
After talking for a while, Duan Yan had originally intended to wait a little longer and see whether Song Fengsui might come out. At least then he could see him before leaving.
But Song Wushen told him that everything was fine and urged him to return to his work first. Duan Yan could not say much more, so he could only go back to the estate, planning to come again early the next morning.
Yet one day followed another. Duan Yan went to the Song residence three times in succession to see Song Fengsui, and still he was unable to meet him.
No matter how slow he might be, Duan Yan now understood that Song Fengsui must be angry with him. Otherwise, why would he refuse to see him again and again?
Duan Yan went over the events of that day at the family estate seven or eight times in his mind, but he simply could not figure out what he had done wrong to make Song Fengsui angry.
He remembered that before they parted, they had been happily eating melon together. Surely it could not be because he had eaten the last sour grape?
But if it was not that, then what could it possibly be?
Unable to settle his mind, Duan Yan broke out in a row of fever blisters around his mouth, painful enough to make him miserable. For the moment, he completely forgot the complicated feelings Old Man Duan’s earlier words had stirred in him. All his thoughts were fixed on the fact that Song Fengsui was ignoring him.
That night, beneath a sky full of stars, Song Wushen carried a bowl of sweet bean water to Song Fengsui’s door and knocked.
“You barely ate at dinner. I know the food may not have suited your taste, but you cannot simply go without eating altogether. Be careful not to starve yourself sick.”
Song Fengsui took the bowl of douhua water and, right before Song Wushen, ate a mouthful. “It’s only because of the heat. My appetite’s been rather poor.”
“Is it truly only because of the heat?”
Song Wushen sat down on a small stool nearby. “Did you and Duan Yan have a quarrel?”
Song Fengsui’s eyes flickered. His first instinct was to deny it, but he knew perfectly well that nothing could be hidden from his father.
Lowering his head, he said sullenly, “What could I possibly quarrel with him about? In his eyes, I’m just a child, no different from a younger brother in his own family. He’s so tolerant and magnanimous—how could he ever argue with me?”
Song Wushen was faintly surprised. “Did he really say that?”
Song Fengsui looked at his father. “Do you take me for the sort of person who would accuse someone without cause?”
“Of course your father knows you wouldn’t.” Song Wushen smiled. “I’m simply surprised that there should be a man like Duan Yan.”
Feeling as though he were being mocked, Song Fengsui turned his gaze away. “Father has gone out of his way to laugh at me.”
“When have I ever meant to laugh at you? It’s only that, as an outsider, I can see more clearly. To my eyes, what is in his heart may not be quite the same as what he says. Duan Yan is an upright man who observes propriety. Men like him are often somewhat slow when it comes to matters of the heart. Perhaps even he himself has yet to understand his own feelings.”
Song Fengsui looked back at his father. “Really?”
Seeing his precious child—once so composed and unruffled in every situation—now fretting over gains and losses, stripped of his former confidence and ease, Song Wushen could not help but sigh. Love truly wore people down.
“Silly child, whether what I say is true or false, what does it matter? If you have feelings for him, why shut yourself away indoors, grieving until you grow pale and thin, instead of trying to win him over? If he is only being stubborn, then pry open that stubborn mouth of his. And if he truly means what he says, you will still have the chance to change his mind.”
“In this world, what can one gain simply by sitting and waiting? To neither fight nor strive, to be as indifferent as a chrysanthemum—it is only possible when the thing in question is not something one desperately wants.”
Song Wushen stopped there. “Think it over carefully. Is it because, in the past, you were surrounded by countless talented men, all of whom were captivated by you, and now that one person is different, you feel a touch of resentment? Or is it truly impossible for you to let him go?”
The night was still and silent. Song Fengsui lay awake on his couch, his father’s words circling through his mind.
The collapse of his family’s wealth and status, the hardships of exile—though he had survived and made it to this land, his heart had long since become a barren wasteland, where not even a blade of grass could grow amid the countless trials he had endured.
He had thought that this was how the rest of his life would be. Yet Duan Yan’s appearance had brought him the warmth of spring overnight, allowing tender shoots to sprout once more from that desolate ground, making him begin to look forward to tomorrow again.
How could his feelings for Duan Yan possibly be reduced to something as shallow as unwillingness to accept defeat?
In an instant, Song Fengsui’s heart became clear.
His father was right. If he cared, why not fight for it? When had all the good things in the world ever come knocking at his door by themselves, waiting for him to choose whether to accept them?
Even if the outcome proved disappointing, as Duan Yan had once told him, if one thought of it and yearned for it, then one ought to seek an answer and leave oneself no regrets.
Having thought it through, the good sleep that had abandoned him for days finally found its way back.
The next morning, early.
A dense mist hung in the air, shrouding even the courtyard of the manor in a grayish-white haze. Duan Yan frowned as he silently dressed and got out of bed. His mood had been low lately; even Steward Lü had begun to speak carefully around him.
Duan Yan had intended to visit the Song family again that day. After washing up and leaving his room, he was about to grab a simple breakfast when, in the courtyard, he thought he caught sight of a familiar figure.
He tilted his head slightly, afraid that his eyes had deceived him, then cautiously made his way through the thick fog.
“You’re only getting up now?”
It was not until he heard that bright, clear voice that he was certain Song Fengsui had truly come.
For a moment, Duan Yan simply stood there in a daze. It took him some time to recover enough to answer. “I went to bed rather late last night, so this morning… Why have you come? So early, too. Have you eaten breakfast?”
Song Fengsui gave a quiet sound of assent. Instead, he looked at the dark shadows beneath Duan Yan’s eyes and the fever blister reddening the corner of his mouth.
He stared directly at him, his gaze settling on Duan Yan’s lips. “What happened to your mouth?”
Duan Yan instinctively touched his lips. “It’s nothing. The past few days have been hot. I suppose I’ve gotten overheated.”
“Is it truly only because of the heat?”
Song Fengsui pressed his lips together before speaking slowly. Yet it seemed he had not asked in expectation of an answer. He continued, “If you’re overheated, why didn’t you come to me for some medicine?”
Duan Yan met Song Fengsui’s gaze, hesitated, and then at last seemed to surrender. “You haven’t been willing to see anyone these past few days… Did I do something to upset you?”
“Didn’t I already tell you that my face was sunburned, and I shouldn’t see anyone? Or did you simply want to see me looking ridiculous?”
Duan Yan was no fool. He immediately asked, “Then why did you return by yourself while we were at the estate, and end up with your face sunburned?”
Song Fengsui replied, “I was feeling unwell that day, and I didn’t want to interrupt your work, so I came back first.”
Duan Yan was instantly defeated. His thoughts turned at once to Song Fengsui’s health, and he asked anxiously, “What was wrong?”
But Song Fengsui did not answer. He only looked at him.
Duan Yan’s brow moved. He stopped himself from pressing further, realizing that he should not have asked.
“I wasn’t trying to pry into your private affairs. I was only worried about you. Your face was sunburned when you returned that day. Did you suffer from heatstroke? Looking at you now, your face seems to have recovered completely. You’re just as you were before.”
Song Fengsui answered honestly, “Mm. I had a slight touch of heatstroke. Fortunately, I noticed something was wrong that night and took some medicine, so it didn’t worsen. But I haven’t slept very well these past few days either.”
Duan Yan’s heart ached to hear it. “Your health has never been particularly good. If you suddenly feel unwell in the future, tell me at once. No matter what needs doing, nothing can be more urgent than a person’s well-being.”
After saying that, he added in a slightly pleading tone, “And don’t leave without telling me again, like you did before. If anything had happened to you, how would I… how would I explain it to your family?”
Song Fengsui watched Duan Yan’s furrowed brow and troubled expression. His eyes shifted slightly. This man was clearly so worried about him—could his feelings really be no more than what he claimed?
Song Fengsui found it difficult to believe. Even between blood brothers, one might scarcely care for the other as much as Duan Yan cared for him.
Since Duan Yan insisted on being stubborn, Song Fengsui thought, then he would see just how long the man could keep it up.
“I understand. You have been so good to me, like an elder brother. It truly was wrong of me to leave that day without telling you in person. But you are the most forgiving person there is. Since you think of me as young, as nothing more than a child, don’t be angry with me.”
Duan Yan froze. Like an elder brother… What did he mean by that?
So Song Fengsui had sorted out his feelings and decided that what he felt for him was only the affection one held for an elder brother?
Duan Yan felt that he ought to breathe a great sigh of relief. Just as he had said, Song Fengsui was clever. He did not need Duan Yan to explain anything; he could think things through on his own.
And yet, in truth, Duan Yan did not feel nearly as relieved as he had imagined he would.
Song Fengsui saw that he did not answer, his mind clearly elsewhere, and a hint of mischief flashed through his eyes.
There was no need for an answer, so he said nothing more. Instead, he reached out and lightly pinched the man’s sleeve, tugging him toward the pharmacy on the estate.
Duan Yan snapped out of his daze somewhat. Lowering his gaze to the long, slender fingers clutching his sleeve, he suddenly felt as though a feather had gently brushed against him.
His steps seemed to float, unmoored from the ground. Lost amid the lingering morning mist, he simply followed Song Fengsui into the room.
