"Mother, rest assured. With the status I have attained today, no one dares to question any of the Shen family's domestic affairs."
Dowager Shen stroked his cheek tenderly.
In truth, what worried her even more was the knot in his heart.
After all, he was a man, and from a man's perspective, things looked different. Such incidents were not unheard of among the official families in the capital, and to put it more bluntly, they had become almost commonplace.
Men would not see anything wrong with what that brute had done.
Fortunately, her son did not take after his father.
But the living could never compare to the dead. His father, whom he had held in his heart as a cherished memory for over a decade, could not be completely severed from his thoughts all at once.
Dowager Shen did not want him to suffer, nor did she want him to be distracted at this critical moment, leaving himself with a weakness that could invite disaster.
"Just think of it as me going out to take a relaxing trip. When the political situation stabilizes, and you and Yunchu have a child, you can bring them to visit me."
On one side was the mother who had raised him through thick and thin, yet who was the very person who had killed his father. On the other was the father he had remembered only as a loving, gentle man who died young, only to suddenly learn that the man was utterly rotten. All Dowager Shen could feel for Shen Xiabai at this moment was overwhelming pity.
"Go ahead and tend to the court affairs with no distractions."
Shen Xiabai's guilt and heartache surged to their peak. "Mother."
His voice was thick with difficulty. "Don't leave."
He knelt there, wrapping his arms around Dowager Shen's waist. "All those years before, I was wrong."
In the past, every time the anniversary of his father and elder brother's death came up, his mother would act coldly, and he had even quarreled with her over it. Now, looking back, he was drowned in regret.
He loved the bold, unruly Yunchu so deeply, so how could he not understand and empathize with what his mother had done?
If it had been Yunchu, she would have gone even further than his mother did.
He had no reason to be so harsh on his mother, especially since everything she had done was for his sake.
These past few days, he had not been blaming his mother—he simply had not known how to face her, and guilt had completely engulfed him.
No one else could truly understand the tangled mix of feelings he was going through. After all, it was a fixation that had weighed on him for more than ten years, and it was only natural that he could not adjust to the sudden truth right away.
Dowager Shen bent down to help him up. "You're still injured, don't kneel for so long."
"Let bygones be bygones."
A sudden voice broke the mother and son's intimate moment, and a tall figure appeared at the doorway.
Shen Zilan was dressed in casual robes, his face as calm as it usually was, yet he exuded an inexplicable, extraordinary steadiness.
He had disappeared for three days, and now that he had returned, he seemed like a completely new person—so mature and composed that it took one's breath away.
"Zi...lan," Dowager Shen's voice trembled slightly.
"Grandson says, let bygones be bygones."
Shen Zilan walked slowly into the room, stopped one step away from Dowager Shen, then lifted his robe and knelt down.
"Zilan." Dowager Shen tried to help him up, but he moved away quickly. He kowtowed three times in a row, so hard that his forehead turned bright red immediately.
"Someone once asked me, if my father, my grandmother, and my uncle all stood before me at the same time, who I would choose."
"I did not hesitate. I would definitely choose Grandmother. Because I have never met my own biological father. Ever since I can remember, Grandmother and Uncle have been my dearest, closest relatives."
"Zilan, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It's Grandmother who has wronged you." Dowager Shen crouched down, crying so bitterly that her heart felt as if it was tearing apart.
Shen Zilan's eyes were red. "I share no blood ties with Grandmother, yet you still raised me and let me live as the esteemed Young Master Shen. I will never forget the kindness you have shown me."
After saying that, he kowtowed three more times.
Dowager Shen felt flustered, staring at Shen Zilan in a daze.
Shen Zilan said, "Grandmother never meant to harm my father. It was all his own choice, and it was an accident. Grandson has no reason to blame you."
He looked up slightly, meeting Dowager Shen's red, teary eyes. "But... after all, I am not of the Shen bloodline. I really should not stay in the Shen family any longer."
"No," Dowager Shen sobbed. "It is I who should leave. I will go, child, you stay. You are still young, and you have a bright future ahead of you. With your uncle's help in the court, you will surely be able to make a name for yourself."
"I will go, child. I am old. I will go back to Jiangnan to spend my old age in peace, as long as you and your uncle are well."
Shen Zilan smiled faintly. "It is precisely because I am still young that I want to leave the capital. I wish to be assigned to a post outside the capital, in Jiangnan."
He looked up at Shen Xiabai. "Uncle, you once said that to hold real power, one must have the ability to earn it oneself. I want to try to make it on my own. I hope you will grant me this wish."
Shen Xiabai looked at him with a complicated expression. "The whole country is in turmoil right now. No place is a safe haven. You might as well stay in the capital first. When the situation stabilizes, if you still want to leave, I will not stop you."
Shen Zilan shook his head. "If I wait until then, I will not be making it on my own merits. I will just be relying on your reputation and power to go elsewhere for a cushy post, riding on your coattails to advance easily."
Shen Xiabai frowned. "I fought my way to where I am today so that the later generations of the Shen family would not have to go through all those hardships and thorns."
But I am not a Shen after all. Even the surname Shen was stolen through underhanded means by that woman, Shen Zilan thought as he hung his head slightly. "I want to build my own achievements. I want to be known as Zilan, not Young Master Shen."
"Uncle, I have already submitted the official request for an outside post. I beg you to grant it."
Shen Zilan kowtowed once more.
"What about that Chen family girl? Are you just going to abandon her too?"
Shen Zilan's eyes flickered, and after a long pause, he said, "If she is willing, I will marry her."
He could not break his promise again, and he had no right to make her wait for him for years more.
"Fine. Since you have set your heart on this, you may leave after you get married."
"Xiabai," Dowager Shen cut in urgently.
Zilan had grown up sheltered under the protection of the Shen family. How could he possibly leave?
"Being an official outside the capital is not easy. Every place is filled with powerful noble families. You are going there all alone, you will surely find every step difficult."
"Didn't Uncle go through the very same thing back then?" Shen Zilan smiled faintly. "Trust me. I can do it too."
He stood up, bowed deeply to Dowager Shen and Shen Xiabai, gazed at them for a long moment, then turned and left.
"Xiabai, Zilan can't go take such a risk. Don't agree to him," Dowager Shen pleaded anxiously.
Shen Xiabai did not speak.
Shen Zilan could not bring himself to blame the grandmother who had raised him and loved him more than anyone else.
But his mother had shattered the life he could have had—one where he would have both his parents, living in peace and happiness.
No matter which choice he made, he was bound to fail one side, or fail to live up to his duty as a son.
His parents were truly dead. And his grandmother had truly treated him with all her heart.
"This is for the best for him. Since it is his choice, Mother, let him do as he wishes."
Dowager Shen's eyes were red and swollen from crying.
Shen Xiabai said, "Since Zilan is getting married, I will have to trouble you to take charge of arranging the wedding for him first."
Dowager Shen was so overcome with guilt that she could not bring herself to say a single word of refusal.
On the surface, the Shen residence fell quiet. But the atmosphere was so stagnant and heavy that it filled everyone with a sense of oppressive dullness.
