Zhu Qingyu refused to even acknowledge the word "like," let alone admit jealousy.
Marriage and such—when she was drawn to him, acting on impulse, or when her mind was hazy, she might occasionally think about it. But it was just a thought. Agreeing to marriage? That was simply out of the question.
Never mind that his family would never consent; even if they all suddenly lost their minds and agreed to the match, would the obstacles between them really vanish?
The hierarchy between husband and wife in this era was so rigid. She liked Gu Zhao a little, but not enough to hand over her entire life and future to him.
Right now, he might be infatuated with her—so much so that he was willing to abandon using his marriage for political gain.
But beauty fades with time. What would happen when he no longer felt that infatuation?
Would he regret it then?
And when he regretted it, would the woman who occupied the position of his lawful wife yet contributed nothing to his career be his beloved—or his enemy?
"A man lost in love can still break free; a woman lost in love cannot escape."
Zhu Qingyu thought to herself: perhaps she didn’t like him that much after all. Otherwise, when she imagined their possible future, what came to mind wasn’t a tender, lifelong commitment, but these tragic scenes instead.
So, faced with Gu Zhao’s passionate proposal, as he pressed her close in his embrace, Zhu Qingyu calmly said:
"No. I don’t want to marry you."
Why not? Why? Why?
Gu Zhao was nearly driven mad by Zhu Qingyu. He couldn’t understand her at all. What was going through her mind?
Clearly, he had no prior engagement to anyone else, so why wouldn’t she marry him?
Clearly, she liked him, so why wouldn’t she marry him!
Gu Zhao was so angry he wanted to bite her, and he actually did, sinking his teeth into her neck:
"You make me so angry. Why not? Don’t bring up Zhang Jingyan—don’t use him as a shield. You’re not really married. Give me a reason. Don’t think you can brush me off so easily."
That bite from Gu Zhao was more like a kiss than a bite. Zhu Qingyu felt a little pain, but more tickling. She pushed her hand against his face to dodge, saying:
"Because I don’t want to. I do like you a little, but just a little."
Yesterday, because she’d said "like," thinking that his long-held pining wasn’t unrequited but mutual, Gu Zhao had been thrilled, overwhelmed, and ecstatic—almost out of his mind, unlike himself.
But today, because she’d said "a little," in this freezing winter, Gu Zhao felt as if a bucket of cold water had been dumped over him, drenching him completely. Even the heart she’d set blazing all day was now chilled to the core.
She said "don’t want to," not "can’t".
"Don’t want to" was her subjective wish.
"Can’t" was an external, objective condition.
So she meant that she personally didn’t want to marry him, with no relation to anyone else.
Gu Zhao was truly furious. He sat up with a jerk:
"Explain yourself. What do you mean by 'a little'?"
Zhu Qingyu also sat up, holding out all ten fingers to show him:
"This is everything."
Gu Zhao stared at her fingers, fuming:
"How much of it am I in your heart?"
Zhu Qingyu first lowered one hand. Under his menacing gaze, she made a fist with the other hand, extended her pinky, and pointed to its very tip:
"About this much."
Ha. In her heart, he amounted to less than the tip of a pinky nail.
Gu Zhao laughed bitterly:
"Zhu Qingyu, you really know how to humiliate me. Fine. You, you, you..."
Though he was practically dying of rage, though he’d suffered such a huge insult, though normally quick-witted and sharp-tongued, with plenty of retorts ready to strike back at her cruelty—
After saying "you" three times, Gu Zhao still couldn’t bring himself to utter hurtful words in return.
You’re truly insane.
She must have cast some spell on you.
Must have.
Too furious to bear it, angry at her and even more at himself, Gu Zhao simply lifted the carriage curtain and jumped out.
Zhu Qingyu was terrified. This was a moving carriage!
The driver was also scared out of his wits. He quickly pulled the reins, stopped the carriage, and shouted:
"His Lordship! His Lordship!"
Zhu Qingyu lifted the curtain and realized the driver was Xiong Kun—and that she was on Gu Zhao’s carriage.
She also got off to check on him. Gu Zhao was already walking away, ignoring Xiong Kun’s shouts.
Xiong Kun looked at the retreating Gu Zhao, then back at Zhu Qingyu who had just stepped down. Frustrated, he didn’t know whether to chase after His Lordship or stay with Doctor Zhu. In the end, he scratched his head and asked:
"Doctor Zhu, is His Lordship all right? Should we wait for him?"
Their carriage had stopped, and the ones behind followed suit, disrupting the entire procession.
Zhu Qingyu looked at Gu Zhao’s receding figure. Even his back seemed angry, but his walking pace was normal, not like he was hurt. She said:
"No need to wait. Let’s go, or we’ll delay the whole journey. When we stop to rest ahead, I’ll switch back to my own carriage. Vice Minister Gu will come back on his own."
Zhu Qingyu got back on the carriage. Though rationally she knew Gu Zhao was a grown man with his skills, and nothing bad would happen, she couldn’t help but worry as she sat there, wondering where he’d gone.
A while later, she heard the hoofbeats of Gu Zhao’s horse approaching.
In the past few days, he’d often ride past her carriage this way, back and forth many times a day. She never quite knew what business required so much running to and fro.
Every time he passed before, he’d ride slowly, taking almost a quarter of an hour to go from one end of the carriage to the other.
But today’s hoofbeats were like thunder—urgent and powerful, sweeping by like a fierce gale. Zhu Qingyu hadn’t even seen his form clearly before his horse had passed her carriage and galloped away.
Zhu Qingyu leaned to the carriage window and watched Gu Zhao’s horse overtake the carriages ahead and the Eldest Grand Princess’s honor guard, breaking away from the troop heading north, and dashing off.
This wasn’t the capital; the place they were passing through was desolate wilderness, with no one nearby. Would he be all right alone?
Zhu Qingyu quickly called out to Xiong Kun:
"Official Xiong, let’s switch carriages now. Please go after him and check."
Xiong Kun had watched His Lordship run off and was worried, but since Zhu Qingyu was still on his carriage, he couldn’t chase after her. He was torn. Hearing her instruction, he hurriedly said:
"All right. I trouble Doctor Zhu to change carriages."
Once Zhu Qingyu had returned to her own carriage, Xiong Kun mounted his horse and gave chase. In moments, he too had left the procession, vanishing without a trace.
For the next several days, neither Gu Zhao nor Xiong Kun returned.
There was no mobile phone, no telephone, and no way to contact anyone here. If he didn't return for so long, could something have happened?
Zhu Qingyu had been worried for days, unable to sleep soundly through day or night. Sometimes, when she finally managed to doze off for a while, she would start having nightmares, even dreaming that something had happened to Gu Zhao.
Waking up from a nightmare in the dead of night, in the bitter cold weather, Zhu Qingyu was drenched in cold sweat from the fright of the dream.
The scene of him meeting with an accident in her dream had been so vivid, and the heart-wrenching sensation of loss still lingered in her mind. Even though she knew it was just a dream, she couldn't help but let tears fall.
Bathing in the moonlight falling through the window frame on that winter night, Zhu Qingyu stretched out one hand, then the other.
Staring at her own two hands, Zhu Qingyu thought to herself, perhaps what she had thought was only a little was merely her self-deception.
It wasn't just a little.
It was a lot.
A lot.
