Shen Nian'an said no more. She roughly wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand, turned, and quickly walked out of the study.
She returned to her room and sat before her dressing table mirror. Staring at her own exquisitely made-up reflection in the glass, her thoughts uncontrollably drifted back to six years ago.
Back then, she was not yet the willful and spoiled eldest young lady of the Shen Family.
She went from being the youngest daughter doted on by her parents, to overnight becoming a pitiful little thing unloved by her father and mother, even having to live in constant fear and anxiety.
After that lofty First Madam Shen returned, she seemed to have a natural instinct for how to make someone hurt.
She always knew how to pinch the softest, most tender flesh on the inner side of Nian'an's upper arm, twisting it, a pain that pierced to the heart.
But what frightened and saddened her more than the physical pain was her mother's reaction.
Every time she was pinched until her eyes brimmed with tears, she would go to her mother to cry and complain. Yet her mother would always panic, cover her mouth, and whisper in a hushed voice:
"Be good, Nian'an. You mustn't cry and make a fuss. If it becomes known to everyone and Father finds out, he'll misunderstand that we're deliberately trying to ruin First Madam's reputation."
"You need to be more sensible. Mother has only just been acknowledged by Father, only just become Madam Shen in the eyes of outsiders. You mustn't ruin all this."
"If Father stops liking us, Mother won't like you either..."
"Nian'an, do you understand?"
Little her was terrified by these words.
She feared her father's displeasure, and even more, the loss of her mother's love.
So, she learned to hold back her tears, and never dared to complain in front of her classmates.
Later, her older brother took her away.
She remembered nestling in her brother's arms, asking wronged and confused: "Brother, why is First Madam so good at pinching people? Why does Mother sometimes love me so much, and other times just watch me get bullied and not do anything?"
Her brother was silent for a long time. In his peach blossom eyes, which always held a hint of laughter, appeared a complicated emotion she couldn't understand.
He didn't coax and deceive her like their mother had. Instead, he chose to tell her the truth.
He said: "Nian'an, Mother does love us."
"Only... Mother's love is because we are Father's children."
"She loves Father, and that's why she loves us."
"So, when we are placed alongside Father's likes and dislikes, we become unimportant."
That night, her brother also told her many things she hadn't known before.
He said their mother was actually very outstanding herself. In that old era forty years ago, she was the most brilliant girl from a clan affiliated with the Shen Family, smart and beautiful.
Back then, everyone thought she was destined to be Father's noble concubine. They grew up together, and Mother had long since given her heart to Father.
But later, the times changed. Father insisted on marrying the First Madam, and promised to have only her.
Mother was heartbroken for a long time, but she didn't marry anyone else. Instead, she studied desperately, got into the best university, and relying on her own abilities, step by step became Father's capable secretary.
Later still, it was because her gentleness and affection were seen by Father that she, Shen Nian'an, came to be.
Their mother was very clever. As a secretary, she was the one with the strongest work ability; as Madam Shen, she was elegant and gentle, never once tarnishing the Shen Family's reputation outside.
Her brother stroked her head, his voice very soft: "Nian'an, perhaps sometimes she isn't a good enough mother."
"But that's because she loves Father too much."
"Since she was little, everyone told her to regard Father as her heaven, so she offered up her heart very early."
"So, don't blame her too much."
However, little Shen Nian'an couldn't understand and forgive like her brother did.
From that day on, she became increasingly willful and unreasonable in front of her mother, because she discovered that as long as it didn't involve the First Madam, her mother would always indulge her, as if it were a guilty compensation.
Also on that night, her brother said to her: "What others do doesn't matter, Nian'an. You must remember, you have to become strong yourself."
He even gave a bitter smile and told her: "Do you know why that First Madam is so good at pinching, specifically choosing the inner side of your upper arm?"
Shen Nian'an shook her head.
"Because when I was little, she pinched me so much that I could hold back my tears no matter where else she pinched. So she tried different spots. Later she found that when she pinched the inner side of my upper arm, no matter how much I could endure, I would still hurt enough to cry. So she specifically pinched there."
Shen Nian'an was so shocked she couldn't speak.
Her brother, who seemed all-powerful in her heart and always protected her, had also been bullied like that before?
Her brother, Shen Que, looked into her eyes and said seriously: "So, Nian'an, your brother hopes you can be like me, and hold power tightly in your own hands."
"Only then will you not have to be afraid of anyone, not have to rely on anyone."
"Being strong yourself is the most important thing."
From that moment on, even before she fell in love at first sight with Gu Chengyu, Shen Nian'an was determined to become the young madam of the Gu Family.
She wanted to stand in that highest position, so that no one could ever bully her or her brother again.
Later, when she was eighteen, she caught a fleeting glimpse of Gu Chengyu at a banquet. That infatuation was almost inevitable.
Putting aside the overwhelming power and influence of the Gu Family, the innate sharpness and arrogance in Gu Chengyu's very bones were things that the children of the Shen Family, who grew up under suppression, could only ever yearn for but never reach.
Her brother also acted arrogantly in front of outsiders, but she knew clearly that deep down, many things were different.
For the willful and unreasonable Shen Nian'an, there were many important things she wanted to do.
She wanted to stand above others, she wanted to marry the most powerful man, she hated all women prettier than her...
But all these, in front of her brother Shen Que.
Were nothing.
Brother came first.
By a landslide.
In the mirror, Shen Nian'an slowly raised her hand and touched the skin on the inner side of her upper arm, where no trace remained.
There, it seemed, a faint ache still lingered.
