That was the first time she had a deep understanding and anticipation of the title "Father."
Only after seeing off the Gu family did he deign to look at her properly. His brow was furrowed, his gaze critical, and there was a faint hint of displeasure in his eyes.
Cui Yunchu had seen that hint of displeasure far too often since she was young, and she recognized it immediately.
The first words he spoke to her were, "No matter what you were like before, from now on you must behave properly. If you cause any more trouble, I will not go easy on you."
Eight-year-old Cui Yunchu stood dazed, as if her entire world had crumbled in an instant. The hopes she had painstakingly built up lay shattered on the ground.
He said that her mother's conduct and manners were all lacking, and that she should learn well from her legitimate younger sister and not inherit her mother’s bad habits.
How could one compare—a woman who crawled out of the pleasure quarters with a legitimate daughter of an aristocratic family, the most honorable of the honorable?
Cui Yunchu was not a good person. Back then, she felt jealousy and dislike toward the "legitimate younger sister" Cui Qingyuan spoke of.
She thought of many ways to torment her.
But when she saw Cui Yunfeng, those little schemes in her head gradually faded away.
When she saw her, Cui Yunfeng was in the garden. Though younger than her, she was already taller. She was holding a little wooden horse, and the sunlight that day could not rival the brightness of her smile. Cui Qingyuan held her in his arms, reaching for the highest branch on the tree in the garden.
When Cui Qingyuan noticed her, he gave her only a faint, indifferent glance, as if she were not his daughter, as if she had never existed.
How could she not feel envious?
She drew closer to Cui Yunfeng, wanting to shorten the distance between them. Little Cui Yunfeng, as simple as a fool, spoke bluntly: "He is my father, not yours."
Cui Yunchu wanted to slap her to death.
Later, when he became Prime Minister, he grew busier than ever. Even the time he spent with Cui Yunfeng dwindled, and Cui Yunchu never once waited long enough for him to hold her even once.
So she bullied Cui Yunfeng. Every time, Cui Yunfeng would run crying to tattle on her, and he would give Cui Yunchu an icy glare.
At first, he would scold her. Later, because Grandmother pitied and protected her, his scolding turned into indifference. She slowly let go of the expectations she had held since childhood.
After that, whenever Cui Qingyuan sought her out, it was always because she had made a mistake or brought shame to his name.
She had to admit—she still longed for Cui Qingyuan’s affection and love.
She was also jealous of Cui Yunfeng. But Cui Yunfeng had been raised too well—cheerful, kind, prone to tears, and soft-hearted. No matter what, Cui Yunchu couldn’t bring herself to hate her.
Then there was Grandmother, the elder who had treated her the best in the Cui family. She couldn’t even bring herself to resent her for not taking her away back then.
And so Cui Yunchu oscillated year after year between such tangled, painful emotions.
Unable to love, unable to hate—that complexity tormented her, body and soul, and shaped her into the somewhat unpredictable person she later became.
Take this time, when Cui Qingyuan carried her back home.
Cui Yunchu curled up, scenes of childhood flooding her dreams. But she had grown up now; she no longer needed such things. Yet the lingering anticipation clung to her, refusing to dissipate no matter how hard she tried.
Human nature is truly complicated.
When Cui Yunchu woke again, it was already dusk of the following day. She remembered what Cui Qingyuan had said: in three days, she was to meet with Zhou Yuanmo.
"Miss, do you truly want to marry Lord Zhou?" Xing'er asked, frowning. She thought her mistress had better options—Lord Shen, for instance, was far superior to that top scholar Zhou.
The windows and doors were tightly shut, but Cui Yunchu still wrapped herself up thoroughly. "Marry him or freeze to death—which do you choose?"
"...Then I suppose I'll marry," Xing'er said.
Cui Yunchu replied, "Mm, I think so too. After all, where there’s life, there’s hope."
"..." Her mistress's knowledge was really only good for spouting such clichés.
"Then... should you inform Lord Shen?" Xing'er asked cautiously.
Cui Yunchu immediately furrowed her brows. "What nonsense are you talking about? What does my marrying someone have to do with him? Why should I notify him?" she said, though an image unconsciously surfaced in her mind—the kiss he pressed on her in that alley of the Prince of An's mansion.
And those words he uttered while gripping her neck.
Her heart suddenly raced. It was thrilling.
Cui Yunchu snapped back to reality and shook her head violently.
Then, remembering she was about to marry Zhou Yuanmo, it felt like a bucket of ice water was poured over her, chilling her to the bone.
Cui Yunchu sat blankly on the bed for a while before getting up.
After washing and dressing, she asked Xing'er, "While I was locked in the ancestral hall, what were you doing?"
Xing'er’s hands, which were tying her sash, paused. She answered slowly, "This servant was begging the gatekeeper to let you out."
"..."
Cui Yunchu glared at her. As expected, utterly useless.
Xing'er insisted, "Miss, everything this servant said is true. I even tried to bribe them with silver, but they absolutely refused to take it."
Cui Yunchu kicked Xing'er on the shin. "Why didn’t you go beg Widow Wang at the east end of town or Butcher Liu at the meat stall?"
Xing'er was stunned. "Miss, how do you know Widow Wang and Butcher Liu?"
Cui Yunchu laughed, then slapped Xing'er on the head again. "Because I made them up."
"..."
"Useless thing," Cui Yunchu thought. Good thing she had conceded quickly; if she had relied on Xing'er, she’d probably be dead already.
Xing'er fidgeted, then reluctantly pulled the silver from her sleeve and returned it to Cui Yunchu.
"...So you used my silver after all," Cui Yunchu said, eyes wide.
Xing'er said, "Miss, the monthly allowance you give this servant is so little—how could I afford to bribe anyone?"
Xing'er earned herself a few more kicks before being allowed to follow Cui Yunchu out the door.
First, she went to Pine Peace Garden. Just as she stepped through the garden gate, without even entering, she heard violent coughing from inside.
Followed by Old Mrs. Li’s worried, urgent voice.
Cui Yunchu stopped and asked the maid at the door, "What's wrong with Grandmother?"
"Reporting to First Miss, the weather has been changing quickly lately, and the nights are bitterly cold. In recent years, the Old Madam has always felt unwell around this season."
When one is old, the hardest thing to get through is winter. Surviving one more winter meant living another year.
Cui Yunchu stood there, not entering. "Has a doctor been called?"
The maid replied, "She takes medicine every day, but there hasn't been much improvement."
Cui Yunchu gave a faint murmur of acknowledgment, stood at the door for a while, then turned and left.
On the way, Xing'er said softly, "The Old Madam’s health is already so poor in winter. The Lord Prime Minister ordered that the Old Madam should not be told about you kneeling in the ancestral hall. So this servant dared not act rashly and bring trouble to Pine Peace Garden, letting the Old Madam find out."
If anything went wrong, she, with her lowly life, couldn't bear the responsibility.
Cui Yunchu responded with a faint sigh.
She took Xing'er and changed course toward Cui Qingyuan’s courtyard.
In the study, Cui Qingyuan’s desk was still covered with those endless official documents.
Cui Yunchu performed a formal bow. "Greetings, Father."
Cui Qingyuan raised his eyes and cast a glance at her sanctimonious demeanor, saying nothing.
After all, she had just called him an "old bastard" yesterday; his memory hadn’t deteriorated that far.
The look he gave her made her heart skip a beat.
She also remembered the incident when she declared herself his "aunt" yesterday.
If he asked, she would pretend she was muddled from cold, starving, and thirst.
She had nearly died and was frightened out of her wits.
But Prime Minister Cui didn’t mention it. He only asked her, “Have you made up your mind?”
Cui Yunchu nodded. “When is the meeting with Lord Zhou arranged?”
“Tomorrow, at Anshan Temple.”
Cui Yunchu nodded again and turned to leave, but Prime Minister Cui called her back.
She frowned. “Does Lord Prime Minister have any other instructions?”
Hearing her address him with such distant, indifferent formality, Cui Qingyuan merely furrowed his brow but did not correct her.
He said in a deep voice, “No matter what our father-daughter relationship is like, I am still your father. I won’t harm you.”
Cui Yunchu hummed in acknowledgment, then turned and walked away, slamming the study door with a loud bang.
But the moment she did, she shuddered, suddenly losing her nerve. She turned back, carefully and gently touched the door.
She didn’t want to be locked up in the ancestral hall again just because of a stupid door.
Hearing no sound from inside, she gathered her skirts and ran off as fast as she could.
